katrevenge

19 January 2009 @ 09:10 pm

I just found and watched the full Family Remains episode of SPN from Thursday. In my last blog, it was quite obvious that I missed the new episode in order to go see My Bloody Valentine 3D. Needless to say, Dean is tearing me apart these past two episodes. With how Heaven & Hell finished up before the SPN hiatus, Dean had me in tears; I cried worse the second time I watched that episode's ending than I did the first time. Then with how Family Remains ended, with Dean confessing how he enjoyed torturing the souls placed before him after getting off the rack... That left my stomach in a huge knot. It's too upsetting.

Sammy's looking at becoming the 'boy king.' Meanwhile his older brother was making total progress in getting closer and closer to becoming a demon. It's all leading me to wonder just why God would want someone like that pulled from Hell... seemings how Dean was enjoying torturing people. I suppose they'll be writing into that, so that people like me can understand something like that. Mind you, I am not a religious person at all. I'm a skeptic when it comes to God and all that good stuff.. Which is why I can't quite understand my undying love for an angel, Castiel. O.o

I could totally relate to Dean being "There's no such thing" about angels back in the season premeire. XD. My jaw would have then dropped to the floor at the sight of the wings' shadows on the cieling of the barn. Lol.

In any case. I really liked this past episode. It's always a nice twist to have the boys facing off against a human gone psycho. I can only recall the twist happening once before, in The Benders back in season one (at least I'm pretty damn sure that was season one). Only this time around, it was a far more crazy episode. Dean's face when he realized grandpa was also the baby daddy too. That was really quite priceless. Another amusing part was Dean going into the hole and saying, "Please nobody grab my leg."

Back in September when SPN returned with Lazaras Rising, at the end of the episode.. I had the feeling that Sam and Dean were going to end up being turned against one another... And for a while, it seemed like this season was headed that way. But then it seemed like it was shying away from making it look that way. Then, a little later on, I was like, "Damn. Now it's looking that way again."

And now, after Dean's confession at the end of Family Remains, I really have no idea which way things are going. It's really getting kind of crazy. There's still plenty of time for things to be explained and ellaborated on.. Like... How can Dean go from torturing souls & enjoying it in Hell, and then upon returning to life again, go back to fighting the very things he was working with & working on becoming.. and it not really phase him? No, wait, I take that back. What happened in Hell has affected him deeply. Note the increase in drinking and sneaking liquor whenever Sam wasn't there or wasn't looking. (Wishful Thinking, he snuck some booze into the inner pocket of his jacket.) The nightmares. And his attitude is slightly different toward a lot of things. Either way, it makes you wonder where Dean is going. It also makes you wonder about Castiel now.

Right now, my thoughts on where this season is headed are scattered all over the place. I was so sure I knew where things were going after the first couple of episodes.. But ever since, I've been thrown off. And once again, I no longer can even know what to expect.

What I do know is, I want some more Castiel. I miss my angel. D:
I want to see him again dammit. But that's not all I want. I also want to see Castiel prevail and prove everyone wrong by remaining an angel. I do not want to see him turn out to be something else. I'm certain countless other fans of the series would hate it if that happened.

Tags: the winchesters sam winchester dean winc

Current Music: almost easy;; by AVENGED SEVENFOLD

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16 January 2009 @ 12:58 am

I saw My Bloody Valentine in 3D,

At 10PM, I went with my friend Jes to see it. We found out there was a 10PM showing at the nearest theater, and jumped on it because of something that came up for tomorrow. So, we were trying to figure out what to do. She found out about the showing, and told me. I double checked and found it to be legit. (Mind you, I'm in a January 15th mindset still.) We found our ride to and from, and were in the money.

I grew up watching horror and thriller movies a majority of the times, as opposed to Disney movies like most little kids my age.. So, needless to say, I don't scare or jump easily. I don't cringe, and I sure as hell don't make gag noises at the sight of something ugly. BUT, I did tonight when I saw that movie. The 3D glasses are also nice in my opinion... But the whole seeing in 3D & having someone's eye get pick-axed & pop out and appear to be just inches from touching your face... That is just fucking insane. o____o I was making classic Jack Sparrow faces at that. The 3D effect just makes the movie raises the film's gore-factor up pretty damn high.

It's just, once things start to unravel in the last 45 minutes or so of the movie, as a Jensen fan you're going to be wanting to curl up into a ball. I know I did. All the while whimpering saying, "No... no... no.... >___<!" And Jes saying, "What happened in Dark Angel was worse than this, and worse than the end of season three of Supernatural." Mind you, I am not spoiling a thing by saying that.

The effects in this movie were really quite gorey, which I liked. The 3D only made it worse & more burnintoyourmind-worthy. The fact that this movie had me jumping and cringing and actually freaking out at some points is really impressive. The fact that there was even that possibility (,in addition to Jensen starring in it, of course) was what caught my attention. I wanted to see if it would have an effect on me & actually make me jump or something. And it did. So I left happy.

Though I never drank my Monster M-80 or opened my Charleston Chews that I smuggled into the theater, on top of also sneaking in Jes's Monster Khaos & Gummi Bears. XD. Then while we were waiting to get picked up, a creepy dude offered to "give us a ride home." >_> That obviously didn't happen.

Tags: dark angel, jensen ackles, my bloody valentine in 3d, supernatural

Current Music: nothing, for a change

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13 January 2009 @ 12:31 am

So I just looked at my archives here. >_>

I must say "XD" to that considering this is my eighth entry ever to this thing. Hahaha. In the first two years of having this thing, I'd posted six times. Three each year basically. Not even once each month. There wasn't even a pattern to my blogging. Now that I've thought about it, I actually had this since 2006, but I deleted all of my blogs from 2006. I was probably more frequent back then. I don't even remember. XD. But yeah, the three posts a year thing amused me. I've actually just broken what little of a supposed 'pattern' I've had on here the past two years. I've already blogged twice in 2009, and more importantly, twice in the same month. XD. Even though I might just delete this entry at some point in the future simply because of its pointlessness. >_>;

Aside from the fact that there's no school tomorrow because of heating issues the school refuses to admit to. There's something up with the heating in the school, but they won't tell us that. There's always heating issues. Normally it's because it's too hot. They're doing something with the heating tomorrow since they said it won't be on. Because it won't be on there can't be school. Is it supposed to be that cold tomorrow? O___o;; I have no idea what the laws are... But we were supposed to have a match tomorrow after school. Match days are Tuesdays and Thursdays. Well, at least we THOUGHT we were going to have to cancel our match against Henry Hudson.. But Prince checked in the front office when we got the news upon returning from practice today (Obviously i'm writing this like it's still Monday, the 12th, XD), and it's students off and teachers still have to come in. So there's still a match tomorrow. I better bowl extra good since I get to sleep in and crap. O.O

In any case... I'm off to bed. I'll be sure to drink Cocaine when we have to bowl Saint John's ~~whenever; I wanna think Thursday but I think I'm wrong. I'm gonna check right now.~~ on Thursday. (I just checked.) Yeah... Because I bowled really good today, even though it was practice and we had a team-only handicap tournament amongst ourselves. XD. I won, just like I did last year. Only this year Prince (our coach) didn't make it through to the finals like last year... where he lost to me. This year I had to bowl Devon. She beat me the first game of practice, and then we were close the next two... But then the final round when we faced off head-to-head she lost. Go me for doing well. I just better, no I have to, keep my games way up on Thursday. SJV is the only competition we have in our house/bowling alley. So... It's important to beat them all three on Thursday because we need to secure our spot as first place. O_O

... okay... so maybe this ended up not being pointless after all. >_>

so who's hyped as shit for a new episode of Supernatural this thursday?
and who's going to see My Bloody Valentine on Friday? i know i am. >:D

Tags: my bloody valentine, supernatural

Current Location: SWEET VALIUM HIGH;; by Charlotte Sometimes

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03 January 2009 @ 01:57 am

I can only hope...

I can only hope that 2009 will be just as interesting as 2008 was. Some of my accomplishments of '08 were:

+ getting my first job
+ paying for BOTH days of Bamboozle 2008
+ the [Matt] Friction Parade to the Pink Spiders merch table @ Bamboozle
+ holding a 10 min. convo with Jon Decious (Pink Spiders; ~~bassist~~ ex-bassist);; making his fangirlies uber jealous.
+ standing back-to-back with wiL Francis from Aiden (and not knowing it until he was chased away by fangirls)
+ finally getting a Skeleton Crew t-shirt
+ commenting Danger Radio on MySpace & getting a comment back from them. :D
+ making it onto Danger Radio's top friends list
+ assisting in starting multiple intense moshpits
+ catching the most amazing acoustic performance by Brendon Urie doing "Time to Dance" on camera
+ made two friends from other countries (the countries being Bulgaria & China)
+ went to Fright Fest after waiting like... three long years to go
+ saw End of Era (on accident;; they were playing a show the day i went XD)
+ one of my photos taken was put up as their default on their MySpace
+ they remember me;; coolness. they may not be big time yet, but i still find that super rad

Just for the record, Brendon's performance of "Time to Dance" was absolutely beautiful, and I was soooooo soooooo happy that I had recorded it on my camera. Even though I was basically all the way in the back of the crowd, just the visual and hearing the performance whenever is enough of a reminder. That was the performance that sealed Time to Dance the spot as my favorite Panic! At The Disco song of all time. It's on my MySpace. If it weren't for me uploading it there, I would NOT be able to watch that video anymore since I don't actually have it on my computer. Losing that vid would have crushed me.

Speaking of crushing me... I went to the Pink Spiders MySpace to find that Bob and Jon left. I wanted to cry. Yeah, they're still doing music, but they're focusing all their time on their former side-project Dixie Whiskey. Regardless, I am insanely crushed that they left The Pink Spiders, which was something that was really working very well for them. Supposedly there was payment problems with whatever. I don't know the true reasoning for them leaving, but I'd much rather not nose around. Personally, I don't know if I could ever get used to those two not being up on the stage if I go see them. :[

On a happier note, just maybe an hour after the ball dropped and it became 2009 I found that Jensen Ackles is going to be in the My Bloody Valentine remake. I never saw the original, but Jensen being a big-time movie at long last has me quite excited. Hardly a soul has heard of Devour, let alone seen it. Unless you're a Supernatural addict like me, chances of you knowing of that movie is very unlikely I would guess. So we've not only got Jared Padalecki being in the new Friday the 13th, but Jensen in a big movie as well. With just those two events taking place this year, I have to say 2009 is already looking pretty damn good.

The only thing that remains to look extremely and incredibly bleak for 2009 is the fact that I am almost definitely NOT going to be going to that Supernatural convention and getting so much as a photo-op ticket to meet Misha Collins. This is the biggest and single most depressing thing of 2009 for me... Not even just 2009 but in my life in general. I didn't feel this crushed my freshman year when I got told no for the My Chem concert (pre-black parade; when the crowds were still sane). I got over it fast. I didn't dwell on it. Even after being told no. I dealt with it. But this... This I cannot help but dwell on and nag about. I want to go to this convention so bad. I'm about to tell my parents no birthday party or anything much. All I want for my 18th birthday is to go to this convention. I'm willing to sacrifice a birthday party of ANY kind just to be able to go to that convention. I just want to go on Saturday, just for Misha.

One, I love Misha. Two, I've come to realize that the Supernatural writers and whatnot tend not to keep new characters for very long. Granted, the fanbase did not take kindly to Ruby or Bela.... And that was a reason behind getting rid of them... Or at least Ruby's actress.. But, it's different with Misha considering a majority of the fanbase is in love with him. However, you can't help but consider a shocker being thrown in somewhere to rid the story of Castiel or something. I fear that happening, given the show's past with new characters/actors/actresses. So... I'm sure someone out there can understand my burning desire to go just to meet Misha.

Besides, it's not only because of his role in Supernatural that I love him. I did my research, and found that odds me having seen him in a few other shows with extremely small parts is at least 85-90% likely. Not to mention I went so far as to watch his movie Karla. Loved his performance. I love his acting. And I've read countless interviews he's done, and watched a number of video interviews. This man is my new obsession quite possibly.

Though my primary reason for wanting to meet him is because it's faaaaaaar from easy to meet an actor or actress. It's completely different than meeting guys from rock bands or members of bands of any status. How often is the chance of meeting an actor given or presented to you. I'd like to meet at least ONE of my top favorite actors in 2009. Misha is that actor because what are the chances of the opportunity coming up again, especially with the newcomer track record on Supernatural. I want to take advantage of this so badly, but I don't have the funds to do so. I'm still in high school; I'm unemployed. My parents are my bank as of right now.

My mom's excuse for not going is because of the economy and bills and crap. She refuses to make an effort to make a phone call to find out how one would go about getting tickets for a specific day of the convention, or finding out if you can. Or even finding out if the photo-op ticket would get you in for that one day or what. She won't even consider figuring out if it'd be cheaper to drive there all three days if we were to go all three days, or if it'd be cheaper to stay in a hotel. Chances are driving would be much cheaper. This convention would be the best thing to happen to me. T_T

But enough of my ranting and rambling. I'm done for today. It's been a while since I blogged. So I figured I'd do so today... or... tonight. This would have gone under January 2nd, but I kept getting distracted while writing it. >_>;;

Current Music: WHEN YOU LIVE;; by Damone

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18 December 2008 @ 10:51 pm

I must be desperate for SPN.

Because I watched the repeat that was on tonight. I'm not fond of watching repeats on television really... But I did. I had nothing better to do to pass the time since I was forbidden to go out after not being able to finish bowling past the 5th frame in the second game of today's match.

My mouth hurts like a bitch. In the back. On the bottom left. My gums there feel uber sore & feel swollen to me. I was nauseas during the match too, which was why I asked to be taken out. I felt like I was on fire, but my dad checked my forehead and said I had no fever. I have no idea wtf was wrong with me. I just know now that my mouth is super insanely sore in that one spot. D:

That's not all. Things just keep getting better. Ha. Not really. At least not today.
One of my friends is six months pregnant. I don't care that she's seventeen. Yeah, at first it kind of bothered me, but I got over it really really fast. I have no problem with it. Shit happens. But the whole posse found out some time yesterday or something that her 'best friend' and her boyfriend have been fucking each other in secret. How fucked up is that?

My friend Mary asked me if it was possible that my feeling nauseas could have somehow been triggered by the thought setting in or something. I doubt it. I really don't think it would have had that kind of effect on me. Since mad people know my online name, I'm just keeping details on the non-mentioned. It's just something I couldn't just not put somewhere for me to look back on a while from now. I just hope the people hurt in this situation just say fuck you to the two people who hurt them. Both the pain-inflictors deserve it.

It's supposed to snow tonight. Like... late tonight. I wish it'd start with a fury and stay consistent through the night. I am just not going to be in the mood for school tomorrow, and I know for sure. Today was just... one very interesting day, to say the least.

Current Music: TETRIS;; by Decav5

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14 December 2008 @ 11:42 pm

Can It Be January already?!

Call me impatient or whatever you want, but seriously.... Can it please be January already, so I can have my fill of Supernatural again? I'm really super lost without it. I'm writing silly fanfiction... Het-fics... because I am fail at slash. D: Though I enjoy t3h slash. x]

Speaking of slash... I'm craving some pretty sexy Cas/Dean slash. If anyone has any links to share with me to super amazing Cas/Dean slash, please comment with the link(s). I'd appreciate it a lot. I'm having trouble finding good Cas/Dean slash. D: Or maybe I just suck at finding that specific type of fic. O_o;

_______________________________

In other news. There was a "fire drill" during seventh period on Friday. I wanted to scream. One, I was in the middle of art class. Two, it was fucking freezing outside; at least in my opinion. (Then again, I tend to get cold super easy ever since my job working at a boardwalk all summer long.) Three, it prevented me from getting closer to finishing my abstracted drawing of Dean & Sam at the end of "Heaven & Hell."

To keep myself from being focused on being super cold, I took pictures with Mary. I didn't realize it until after I had posted this picture on MySpace that once again, I slightly resemble Alicia Simmons/Way. This definitely isn't a super flattering picture of me, but hey, I was fucking cold. Not to mention, I was all bunched up trying to keep warm. XD. Anyways. I'm also not used to seeing my bangs to the side since I cut them to be blunt-styled. Whatever. I have to get used to putting them to the side again since I intend to get my hair cut like Kanon's from An Café.

kanon

His haircut is so fucking rad to me. I want it. My friend Karri said that the haircut may look weird because my hair is blond & Kanon's isn't. -___- This may be true and it may not. It may even look awesome in blond. Besides, I don't know if I'm going to keep my hair blond much longer. I don't want to chance destroying my hair by continuously bleaching it. I don't know. I look back at myself with my natural hair color, and it looks so odd to me. Everyone has said that I look better blond. I kind of agree, but bleaching isn't all that great for your hair. :/ *sigh* If I do get my hair done like Kanon's, cut-wise, I'd like to do it before Christmas, or during the Christmas break at some point. The same for getting my ears pierced again, like I wanted to do last year.

Anyhoo....

I best be getting to bed. I have to wake up to do my summaries for three 'current events' or whatever for health. My health/gym teacher is a nazi when it comes to homework/assignments. I fear I may fail that class. X_X; Which would suck because I won't graduate... Especially if I fail it and can't be put into a senior health class again.

It's bad enough I'm already somehow failing journalism. Not enough work is given in that elective. Miss like.. two things, and you'll borderline or fail. X_O; It's crazy. I hate that part of it. -___-

anywayz. good night.

Tags: supernatural dean castiel slash an café

Current Music: FORSAKEN;; by Within Temptation

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07 December 2008 @ 04:50 pm

New Default Icon!?

After like, how long? I finally have a new user icon. Actually, I have three to choose from! XD

I made them myself. I love them to death. Misha Collins as Castiel is the most amazing thing ever. He's one drop dead [fucking] gorgeous man. I will not refrain from saying such a thing.

I've found that I am, in fact, really quite obsessed with Dean Winchester from Supernatural. I adore Dean beyond belief; I won't lie. Though, I think my undying love for that man is not just a physical attraction to that character, but the fact that we have a number of greatly similar (if not, the same) traits as far as personality and other things. Hard to explain, and I won't go on a rant about it.

However, I've also found myself almost just as (if not just as) attracted to Castiel as I am to Dean. I can't figure it out with Castiel, but I know for certain that it is partly because of just how intriguing he is. If you didn't know he was an angel from 4.01 in Lazarus Rising, you would think he might be a demon or something. I can't imagine how season four would be going if that wasn't revealed almost immediately.

In any case... I am going to have much fun with these icons, I'd hope. So long as I keep active on here, even if it doesn't involve me blogging about anything. As you can see, I've updated the page theme after like.. A year and a half of it being blue. X_O;

I just spent like.. two hours looking at Supernatural-themed "Post Secret" type things in a community here on LiveJournal pertaining to just that. It really is something new and different to me. I'm tempted to make some myself, actually. We'll see if I dare give that a shot.

Also, if anyone reading this knows how I can add a custom emoticon thing, please let me know. I really do not like the sets they have to offer. D:

Tags: avatars, castiel, dean winchester, supernatural, supernatural avatars

Current Location: under your bed.

Current Mood:

bored

Current Music: six foot deep; by CREATURE FEATURE

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22 October 2008 @ 08:34 pm

you built your body in the coffin where you sleep

So season 4 of Supernatural is just as rockin' as ever. I still can't help but feel like I already know what's going to happen by the season finale. Though my mind and gut keeps telling me that I'm jumping to conclusions way too soon & that Kripke would NOT do something so unbelievably predictable. Then again, I don't know if everyone else besides me and Jes is thinking that. ^^;;

In any case, as for me.. Some issues have come up... But nothing I can't handle.. At least not now. I don't really know for sure how I'd be handling any of these things a few months ago.

For starters, and on a happy note, I got my LICENSE. W00T W00T! However, I want to get my car issue taken care of before it's like.. Last minute buy a car before college... Because I have NO IDEA ... AT ALL as to what college I'll be attending because there's a few options. If I attend Berkley in Woodbridge, I can get there either by car or train.. Because there's a train station literally across the street from that campus. Then there's Brookdale. A car would be the only option because I really do not see the point in staying there in a dorm or whatever. It adds an unneeded cost on top of tuition and books. However, Brookdale is affordable. Lastly, the other school that really has my interest is Douglas Education Center. While they don't have much to offer and they're all the way in Pennsylvania, they have I'm actually interested in... in a few categories to make it even better. Plus, they're not ridiculously expensive either.

But yeah... a car of my own is the biggest problem right now....Next to the fact that I need to find myself a new job like... a.s.a.p. If I want a car of my own like... in the extremely near future, a job is a necessity. My parents said that they'd help me pay for the car, buy I have to hold my end as well. My issue is, I'd be more comfortable purchasing a car from a dealer... and I have a specific car in mind.. Especially as far as brand goes. I want a Buick more than anything, either a LeSabre or Century... Preferrably made in the 90s. I found an ideal car local. It's a '99 Buicky Century, color burgundy. I grew up only remembering my father's burgundy colored Buicks. I love that color on the Buicks; though for the Century I like the green my Auntie has for her '97 Century. They're just really presentable cars. For a car to be sold at a dealer, I'd like to believe that $3995, basically $4K, is a reasonable price...

Allow me to explain why I'd much rather get a car from a dealer... Obviously, these cars being sold there are in good enough shape to be sold. Think about it, they obviously must still be running well. If they weren't, they would not be being sold. Cars from dealers clearly have to have been tested to make sure they're good to be sold again, right?

I know I may not have a job right now, but I want to get a car a.s.a.p. That way I can get used to driving on my own. My house has one vehicle to it, and THREE licensed drivers... Plus, my brother will be getting his permit real soon... Like, mid-September '09. So that will make four drivers, and only ONE vehicle. Three is enough. I have my license, and I'm still driving around with one of my parents, if not both, in the van with me. Not to mention, my dad made it clear he doesn't want me driving the van with any friends in there with me... Unless I heard him wrong, which I'd hope I did... Though something tells it wouldn't surprise me if I didn't either. I got my license so I could do more things for myself, more easily. With three licensed drivers in my house right now, there's barely a chance of me ever getting to take the van. I've only made ONE trip in the van ALONE since I got my license last week, and that was no more than two or three minutes driving. Pathetic.

Then there was my father saying that if I got a car, I would have to get my own insurance right away. When he talked to the insurance company about it, he was informed that it'd be better for me to be insured under his and my mom's insurance, but the car would have to be registered in his name or something for whatever reason... I may not remember or know for sure what the reason for that is, but it's just common sense to know that's just a wise idea. Plus, being insured under them would just be much less expensive for me.

I'm itching for a car so that I wouldn't have to ask for the van whenever I may want to drive. I mean, I don't plan on driving all over town. Seriously, I enjoy walking around my town.. But hey, if they want me to get a job, having my own car would make getting to and from that job a lot easier, and I wouldn't be as restricted to nearby places. I have no desire what so ever to work at a fast food place. I don't want to have to rely on my parents to bring me to work. I'm seventeen, going on eighteen in April. Getting a ride to work from mommy and daddy isn't something I want to be doing until I go to college. I need to get my sense of independence before then. I just wish they'd understand why I need a car. It gives them a break and saves headaches.

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13 September 2008 @ 12:19 pm

I joined SocialVibe. Help Support My Cause.

I know I haven't blogged here in ages, and I feel like I shouldn't have to. An occasional update every so often isn't so bad... I will admit that 37 weeks (as I discovered when I logged in today) is a bit uncalled for... *shrug* Oh well. I was working on getting my shit together, really. Plus, I more regularly update my blog/personal site: http://kat.x-tenshi.com/

Go there to get a more detailed idea of what's up if you're interested. Doesn't bother me. I think it helps to know that I blog more there.

Current Music: CHELSEA SMILE;; by Bring Me The Horizon

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24 December 2007 @ 12:26 am

the final

So it's been quite a while yet again since my last update here. I don't even know where to begin with anything since quite a bit has happened since early October. *sigh* And I'm really not feeling up to talking about all of it. I'd much rather not talk about any of it...At least not right now anyways. I went through a period where I was almost okay with a lot of things, but now I'm right back to the state of mind I was in last entry.

I think this is why I don't write frequently here, because everything would be practically the same...Just me ranting about similar things all the time.

I don't know where my head is anymore. All I know is that it's finally winter break, and I can just sleep. My head is pounding. My throat is sore. I can hardly talk already. I'll be spending at least an hour of my Christmas Eve in the doctors' office for this. I've ODed on cough medicine, and I feel like I'm about to throw up.

I'm wondering if I'll feel even the slightest bit refreshed when school starts up again. If I'm not, I know I'll be wanting to spend periods 2 and 3 in guidance talking things out with my guidance counsellor. I'm actually comfortable with this guy, which is crazy. Usually I'd much rather not want to consider speaking to a guidance counsellor...But I feel like I'm going to go mentally insane if (if i'm not already. x_o) I don't say something to someone.

It's not normal to be suicidal, especially when the very thought of dying scares you. Better yet, it's not normal, and it's most certainly not good if you're suicidal at all. It's not normal to constantly want to hurt yourself in any way. That, too, is not good to begin with. It's definitely not good if you've already hurt yourself in any way, which I have...

I don't know what the fuck to do anymore. I feel like I'm going crazy for real this time. And it's scaring me.

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Current Music: PSYCHO by Dir En Grey

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06 October 2007 @ 09:52 pm

maple gunman

Well...I must say...It's been forever since I bothered writing here on Livejournal. Been too lazy or something. School started out OK, but...It's lamer than ever so far...Our seniors this year suck pretty hard, with the exception of a few. My high school's muy stupido. D:

The only class I even look forward to is U.S. History II...And I think that's because of two reasons I can think of at the moment:
Reason Uno~ Mr. Brown is quite the eye pleaser. x]
Reason Dos~ He makes history interesting. :]

I haven't had a teacher who actually had the closest you can get to my full attention when it comes to school in what feels like forever. History is just...Such an easy thing for me, and I have pretty much no problem catching onto everything. Especially when it comes to learning about Native Americans. That always catches my attention. I find them interesting...But even without Native Americans in the history lessons, I still have no problem with the material. Odds are, I should have gone for the Junior Honors history class, but with the teacher they have for that, I would be doomed..and I'd be spending everyday during class...sleeping. I could bet like..thousands on that...No joke.

As for that Reconnecting Youth thing I got forced into by my parents because "it can only help" me, in my parents' words. =_=

It's just how I expected, for the most part. It's like group therapy. My attendance has improved a lot when you compare it to my attendance last year from the first day up until now... My parents and the two teachers (Mrs. Kurilla & Mrs. Grossman) probably give RY credit for that...It's not. I don't really do anything in that class. I don't want to be in the school after 2:09 every day except Fridays. I'd much rather be home than having to pretend to care about school & everything. I don't share anything that's actually on my mind that's bothering me since it'd go past the line of confidentiality in that class. It'd HAVE TO be told to my parents...Or just my mom, or just my dad. I dunno...And to be honest, I'd much rather avoid it...

But I know this year will be the year things come out of me. Since the car accident last Thursday, I can't help but feel like maybe I'd be better off talking to Mrs. Kurilla (the school nurse) or Mrs. Grossman (school drug counsellor) in private one day, just to see if anything can be done to help me figure some things out. However, I don't know if there's any way I could get around the scar problem I have right now because of a recent event...Err...Somewhat recent event.

After the car accident, Jay said to me, "If you were meant to die, you would have been killed in that accident. You're meant to live. That just proves it." No matter how many times I think of what he said, I just feel like I cheated fate or death or something...Like the accident didn't pan out the way it was supposed to, which is why I'm still here.

So much has already happened so far this school year. To think during spring, I couldn't wait for summer - in hopes that it would be better than school..Then during the summer, I was going in and out of ups and downs...that were making me suicidal...And then when school came around, I was quite relieved..But then now I'm thinking summer was so much better.

Out of the whole summer, the only thing I ever looked forward to was hanging out with Jay because he ended up becoming the person I could talk to about anything and everything...for the most part. And now, sometimes I wonder why it has to be him that I like...I thought I was bad with worrying about things to come...He's worse than I am with that. I just want to get him alone..And get on my knees to beg him to stop worrying about something so far away.

Or maybe I'm just going crazy. I really don't know anymore. I'm just extremely confused about almost everything in my life right now.

Current Music: MAPLE GUNMAN by An Café

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13 August 2007 @ 09:49 pm

that's what you get

Hm...Yeah...Emptied out this failure of a livejournal. It's time to start fresh. After skimming through past entries, I felt I seemed like a whiny sixteen year old who's overly emotional...Even though I, of all people, know that I'm not - I would probably be judged that way...all thanks to the fact that whenever I would write an entry, it was angst-ridden most of the time. ...Not cool...And I even annoyed myself with that.

I'm not one for honest and whole-hearted appologies, but I've never appologized to anyone so much in one day and meant it with every ounce of energy put into it. I'm such a loser...Such a weirdo when I have a crush..at least one like the one I've got right now.

I'm no reader, but I read Twilight over the span of three days - not even. I hardly ever pick up a book, and the second I started reading this one I was hooked....Just knowing it involved vampires...But this is definitely VERY different from all the vampire stories you hear...And if you haven't read Twilight yet, you BETTER go to the nearest bookstore and GET IT....Then join me in reading New Moon and then Eclipse.

I'm so impatient to get those two books right now it's insane. I've never been so amped about reading before.

But the downfall is that I still have to read stupid fucking Huckleberry Fin. It's the MANDATORY book for summer reading. EW. It doesn't even sound appealing. Getting through that book is going to be a real bitch.

I'd much rather get New Moon & Eclipse and read those before summer's over. Otherwise I won't want to be bothered with reading...School always interferes with something I'm hyped about.

Oh yeah. I got my schedule for this school year. I almost had no complaints...But then I got one..The second I saw Jess's schedule on her MySpace...It was then that I realized I had something missing. I had a feeling before seeing her's...But I couldn't quite put my finger on it....

I don't have Spanish III on my schedule. Wtf. You see, at KHS, you only need TWO years of a language. I don't see the point in two years and then ditching. I'd much rather give four years a shot. Especially after having an.... interesting teacher such as Mrs. Packin. I'd much rather have four years just because of her. Anyhoo...Yeah...My mother wants to go to the school & fix that Spanish problem. But..after re-checking my schedule...I'm even more confused. >_

Current Music: EMERGENCY by Paramore

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